*trigger warning*
Buried deep in a little box, a secret so well guarded not even I knew how to unlock. That is, until the Ancestors and Angels gave me the key – the key to getting back the Innocence and Power that were stolen from me.
I wanted to share my story with the hopes of reaching those of you, who like me, have been sexually abused and assaulted (SA) as a child and/or in adulthood. Healing, like life itself, is a very personal journey, so what works for one person might not work for another. For this reason, I will share how I personally healed from my SA traumas to help guide and inspire you on your own healing journey.
I want you to know that your pain has not gone unnoticed. That there are others, like me, who share your pain – who carry this cross with you. I want to assure you that healing from this is possible and that reclaiming the parts of yourself that were stolen from you is doable. And the You that awaits on the other side of this excruciating healing journey is a graceful FORCE to be reckoned with.
May this story give you the Strength that you need to get through your own healing.
As an [asexual & autistic] adult who had a hard time ‘reading between the lines’, I very often ended up in sexual situations that I had not set out to be in. After ending my one and only serious relationship upon graduating from undergrad, I stepped into the world of dating [apps] for the first time ever. But while I was in search of deep conversations, it seemed like everyone I met was only desiring shallow gratification. I took their words at face value, while they twisted mine in their minds to fit their lustful intent. So even when I said no, they thought I was just playing hard to get. They took condoms off without my consent. They tried to transmit diseases to say that I had been the cause. But by the grace of the Divine, I was always protected from any ills. It took a while before I realized that my quest for love and romantic connection was keeping me stuck in a self-sabotaging cycle that was only subjecting me to SA over, and over again.
It took a pandemic and quarantine for me to finally end this toxic cycle – for me to enter a seamlessly natural period of celibacy. And during this time, I could finally reflect on and heal the traumas that had been keeping me in that damaging loop. I chastised myself for being so naïve and not seeing through people’s true intentions towards me. I held myself and cried, as I vowed never to put myself in similar exploitative situations again. I swore off dating completely and became resolute on living the rest of my days in my own, peaceful company. It was during this time that I unexpectedly fell absolutely and madly in Love. And even though it would be a few years before this Love came to full fruition, I felt It grow inside of me each and every day. This was the Love that helped me heal the SA wounds of the past. This was the Love that helped me mend my broken Heart. This was the Love that helped me step into my Divine Power – and the Love that would see me through one of the darkest moments of my life.
Anguish, disgust, disbelief, heartache, PAIN permeated my body and mind the moment I discovered the dark truth about my childhood. But worst was the truth about who the perpetrator had been. I felt alienated from my own body.
Now, all of the SA I had exposed myself to as an adult was put into perspective, in light of the lost memories that my Ancestors and Angels had helped to resurface. In a way, not knowing about the monstrous crime that had been committed against my innocent, child-self had been a gift. Because even though the painful effects unknowingly manifested themselves in my body and mind as I grew up, the ignorance I was gifted allowed me to continue to move through life with a lightness of heart that many others in my situation are not afforded.
The recollection of this crime was an even greater gift. It allowed me to finally heal and regain the Godly Innocence that had been mercilessly stolen from me by someone who was supposed to be my guardian and protector. And for me to heal from this dark truth, I had to allow myself the space to grieve for my younger self.
So I allowed myself as much time as I needed for the sobbing cries. I held myself as I sat with the heavy pain that showed no sign of ever leaving my heart. I wept as I asked the Divine to ease my heart’s burden and save me from my mind’s torment. And I envisioned my current, Powerful, and unconditionally Loving adult-self holding my child-self tightly, crying with them and assuring them that something like that would never happen to us again – that Divine Karmic Justice would come for the perpetrator(s). This was something I could tell myself with the certainty I felt in my bones, because it was the assurance I got and felt from the Loving presence of my Ancestors, the Divine Spiritual realm, and from The Source of all Love and Light. And as I held myself and allowed the Divine to hold me through this excruciating period; as I made the conscious effort to get up and get through the next day and each day that followed, I realized just how Strong I was.
Yes, SA had taken a part of me, but it had not completely broken me down. I was still breathing, still loving, still hoping, still dreaming of a brighter tomorrow. I was still me. And as I allowed the ignorant, old version of myself to be washed away with each tear I shed, what was left behind was a more resilient and stronger Me.
It was after I looked at myself in the mirror one morning, eyes still red and puffy from crying, that I noticed a “glow” about myself. In that moment I realized that, once again, I had emerged from the pits of hell with that fragment of myself that had been lost so many years ago. And in that moment, the tears I cried were of a deep Gratitude, as I instinctively knew that nothing or no one would be able to hurt me ever again.
